THE YARD APPLE

Formerly Known as “Nothing Special” and “The Morning Noodle”

Web Issue #13                                                                              October, 2011

Ask Mr. Chiliskin

Q: Dear Mr. Chiliskin,

Regarding the season premiere of “Two and a Half Men” on September 19: what’s up with that Ashton Kutcher guy runnin’ around all starkers?


A: Starkers? You mean “stark naked”? Dude, when you wanna say naked, say naked. Either that or “au naturel”.


Starkers! Egads! Who do you think you are? Oscar Wilde?


By the way, I don’t own a TV set. But if I did, I probably would have watched “Dancing With the Stars” that night.



Q: Dear Mr. Chiliskin,

When did you start writing your column?


A: My column? Are you quite sure it’s my column? Are you really? How can you be sure it doesn’t belong to someone else and I’m merely borrowing it, hmmm?

Dr. Oz stuns his audience by telling them “Coke and Pop Rocks Diet” not such a good idea

     There isn’t a diet around the nation that’s much hotter right now than the “Coke and Pop Rocks Diet”, which has now surpassed the South Beach Diet, the Atkins Diet and the “Carrot Top Be-A-Chiseled-Freak Diet” to become the most popular diet in America.

     The weight-loss program achieved its popularity through a best-selling book “Coke and Pop Rocks: The Fun New Way To Get Slim”, written by the late Jack LaLanne and the guy who played Mikey in the series of Life cereal commercials than ran in the 1970s.

     The “Coke and Pop Rocks Diet” is fairly straightforward. A person on the diet eats Pop Rocks washed down with two 12-ounce cans of Coca-Cola for breakfast, lunch and dinner, with a single blueberry as a bedtime snack. Said LaLanne in his book: “The blueberry provides the antioxidants, fiber and Vitamin C your body needs, while the Coke and Pop Rocks you consume the rest of the day washes the blueberry’s many unhealthy properties from your system.”

     Although the diet has been incredibly successful with dieters across the country, there are many in the medical field who question its weight-loss claims, chief among them being author, surgeon and host of the “The Dr. Oz Show”, Dr. Mehmet Oz, who stated on a recent episode of his show: “I can’t fully endorse this diet. To my way of thinking, it’s only a slight improvement over the ‘Sugar Babies and Orange Tang Diet’ that was popular a few years ago, and we all know how ineffective that one was.”

   Even though he questions the weight loss aspect of the Coke and Pop Rocks Diet, Dr. Oz is quick to add that he doesn’t believe it does any harm healthwise. “I mean, other than the fact that it overloads your system with tons of sugar and chemicals, it does seems pretty benign,” he said, “In fact, it undoubtedly gives the digestive tract such a jolt, you might just feel years younger and pounds lighter.”

   He made these remarks during the program, just after he’d called a member of his studio audience up onstage to participate in an experiment with the popular diet. Dr. Oz had the audience member, a young housewife from Detroit, Michigan, ingest a six-pack of Coke and four jumbo-sized bags of Pop Rocks within ten minutes.

   After the woman began frothing at the mouth and then suddenly exploded, Dr. Oz seemed to have second thoughts about his claim that the diet was benign. “I better rethink that,” he stated, “There may be some undesirable side-effects after all.”

He states that the main problem with the diet is not that it will cause the stomach to explode, as was originally thought, but that it promotes weight gain, which he says is “generally considered contrary to the goal of a diet”

Providing Journalistic Excellence Since Sometime Earlier Today

COMING IN NOVEMBER!!

Honestly, given our track record over the last three years, there’s a distinct possibility there won’t be anything coming in November.


But if there it is, we’re sure it’ll be reet petite and maybe even not a chore to read (like that issue we put out in July of ’08... oh man, wasn’t that one a stinker?)

Well, actually, we have no idea what’s coming in November.

Um, Thanksgiving?